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June 16, 2007

Alone again. Naturally.

The band is playing a Catholic school reunion in Monroe City, MO. Needless to say, I find myself, again, the only person of color in he room. And I use "person of color" instead of black b/c there are no people of any color here. That is, unless you count the beet red white boys who've been out on the glf course all day. And a Mat. Mat has a pool.

After 33 years of this being the case the majority of the time, it's a wonder I still notice. A wonder that it still gives me pause, makes me uneasy. But it does. Every time I travel to a new city, I'm always slightly on edge until I see other people of color. Not just a new city, a new part of or place in my own city.

Partially because being the only person of color is so frequent and partially just b/c of who I am, I don't feel any more comfortable in situations where there are only people of color.

I guess it's because in both situations I am the unknown. When I'm the only, I'm never sure if they've ever had any exposure to people of color and if so, was it positive? Negative? And regardless, the odds of that experience having been with anyone like me are slim. So I'm anxious to break the ice. To dispell the stereotype/expectation and be taken at face value.

When the situation is primarily one filled with people of color, I'm on edge for the moment when the expectations are broken. That familiar look when I open my mouth and don't sound like they assumed I would. Or when they find out that my husband is white.

Earlier tonight I commented that if I didn't know my husband, he would blend right in with this crowd. This crowd that makes me uneasy, I know is probably filled with people who are like him in more ways than looks. Most are probably much like the people I grew up with in East Alton, the people who were initially wary about a black family moving in. People who are now some of our nearest and dearest friends.

And then there's the fact that I'm only here for 5 hours and does it really matter at all.

But tonight it weighed on me. Because I guess that no matter how small the initial uncomfort is, I resent the fact that it exists. It's tiring. It's a waste of energy. And ultimately it's stupid.

I guess I could conclude that if I don't let it bother me it can't. I often have a good time playing ambassador. But tonight I was/am just tired.

Posted by nikl at June 16, 2007 10:17 PM

Comments

Reasons why racism- all the junk we've created around race- sucks. You could conclude not to "let" it bother you, but I would say that it would be unreasonable not to be phased by it. Being bothered by it doesn't mean it rules you.

Posted by: kirabanks at June 17, 2007 02:29 PM

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